I’m not in the mood to write tonight but I feel I need to give some updates. The last few weeks have been filled with work meetings, spinning, laundry and house cleaning. I am neglecting the dog and haven’t stocked the refrigerator since almost two weeks ago. It’s a vicious cycle.
Over the past few weeks Eric and I have talked extensively about our decision to move forward with IVF. It is a hard decision to make but we have opted to postpone the treatments in order to pay down current debt. A few people told me to just pull out all the stops and find a way to pay for it. The problem is, there are no guarantees. If we paid the money and didn’t come home with a baby, we’d be devastated and broke. Does this make it sound like I don’t really want a baby?
Truth be told, I have never had that strong urge to have children like some people have. Now that I’ve gotten older my confidence in my ability to raise a child has grown and maybe with that the desire to have one. I just wish I was strong one way or the other. Either I don’t or I do. Yes or no. Black or white.
But things are not so black and white in this case. There are benefits to being childless; no doubt about that. But we also wonder what kind of little being the two of us would make together. What would they look like? What kind of personality would they have? Would they be healthy and happy?
Part of the talks we’ve had also include adoption. I would be open to this but Eric has hesitated. He’d rather exhaust all options with treatment to see if we can have a natural child rather than adopt. These are the dilemmas we discuss wrapped up under the covers when we can’t get to sleep at night. We talk during commercial breaks or over coffee on a weekend. We communicate that which is important to each of us. Compassion and understanding are qualities we both appreciate.
I am not sure what the future holds for us in terms of children. I just know that we are living each day at a time and are doing the best we can with what we have. I am pleased to say I’ve become more involved in Birdies for Babies. I’ll be interviewing the couple selected as this year’s recipients of the golf outing funds. I will recap that interview on Tuesday. A friend asked me today if it was hard to be happy for this couple. I told her I was thrilled for them. I harbor no hard feelings for anyone who has been blessed with such a gift. Anger serves no purpose as far as I can see. I’m just glad to be a part of such a special journey – even though I have not met them yet!