I need to update you on what has been going on in the last 14 days. But first, a quick rundown of the To Do List:
1. No, we are not pregnant.
2. We have not seen an opera yet.
3. Have not been to the Adler.
4. Grant Park is too cold right now for a picnic.
5. We are hemming and hawing about which health club to join, which means what? We haven’t joined a health club yet.
In December as you know, I chose not to take any of the medications (Clomid, Progesterone, Crinone 8% and Estridol) that I was on. Not sure if the accumulation of emotional stress and physical stress from the meds took a toll but I ended up with Shingles. Thank God they have receded and are no longer a threat to me or anyone else. Once they cleared; up my body thought it would be the perfect time to come down with a mild chest cold. That too has cleared and I am feeling much like my old self again.
What I really need to tell you about is what has happened in the two weeks since New Years. On Monday, January 2nd my sister, Mom and I drove to Ikea to check out storage ideas and pick out a table for my Mom’s craft room. This place is a complete zoo right down to the way they create “mazes” for people to wander through. God forbid anyone miss a staged “room” or “kitchen” or forget to sit on one of thousands of futons. In any case, we found a nice little table for Mom, one that she will get good use out of. Afterward, the three of us decided to grab something to eat; soup, sandwiches and/or salad Panera style.
On the way, I noticed an Olive Garden (breadsticks) which we decided (breadsticks)was a much (breadsticks) better (breadsticks) option.
We parked and headed into the restaurant just as my ex-fiance, whom I have not seen or spoken to in 13 years, walked out the door in the opposite direction. I mentioned it to Sis and Mom and asked them to not make a big deal of looking around. After all he was on his way OUT the door – not coming in.
We sat down in a corner booth and within five minutes who should come walking up to our table? My ex’s mother holding his little one and half-year old daughter, Jesse. I was flustered at first but that quickly dissipated when I saw how genuinely happy she was to see us. She had mentioned her son had seen us walk in and she had to come and look for us.
I need to back up and tell you that my relationship with her son lasted close to eight years. This began when I was 14 and he was 19. (I realize there is a whole conversation to be had around this topic alone, but let’s move on.) I fell in love with his family, he with mine and we planned to get married. The ring was purchased and I think around that time is when I really started to second guess my future. I eventually made the decision to call it off; not an easy decision at that age. I felt terrible about how things ended and I did some things that were not very nice. It is all water under the bridge now, but I have always felt a sense of guilt about it. As the relationship with my ex ended, so too did my relationship with his family who I adored. I never did have a chance to say goodbye to them.
I am not missing the relationship and not sorry that I was in the relationship either. It was a different time and place and I have since moved on. Eric and I have been married for 13 years come this July 25th and I grow to love him more each day.
The reason January 2, 2012 is so important is that I didn’t realize I needed closure on this until then. After seeing my ex’s mom and his three beautiful children, something inside me let go. I realized that he was happy and that I didn’t need to feel guilty. He moved on. I moved on. Could this be a sign? Was this what I needed to have happen to emotionally move on with the idea that I could have my own children and that I deserved them?
I had vivid dreams for a week. They have ceased and I am now dreaming about getting pregnant and having my own kids. I think it is so interesting that this happened at the first of the year. It’s as if someone was trying to tell me, “It’s okay, now it’s your turn.” I shared the encounter with Eric and he was not envious. He understood where I was coming from and I appreciated that from him.
Since the encounter we have made some exciting progress on our next steps towards having our own little munchkin. Eric submitted another semen analysis which came back great – aside from having a little bit lower morphology than what the doctor would care to see, she was pleased. Her suggestion was to do what is called a “Clomid Challenge Test” which would take place during my next cycle if I don’t get pregnant this month.
The Clomid Challenge requires me to visit the doctor’s office on day three for an ultrasound and blood testing, take Clomid (100 mg) days five through nine and revisit the office for more blood work on day 10. On day 21 I will also visit the office for another blood test to determine my progesterone levels. It’s all very clinical, but necessary, to see if my body responds positively to the Clomid. This will also be double the dose I took in September, October and November.
I’m currently on day 17 so we have some time to wait. We are crossing every appendage we have that we get pregnant on our own this month. We won’t know until the week of January 30th.. If not, then we call up the Doc and start arranging appointments.
I’m buoyed by this plan and I’m thrilled that Eric came with me to the doctor’s office for the first time since all of this has happened. It is the first time that I have felt like we are doing this together as a team. My hopes are high and I am praying like crazy we get pregnant this year.
To all those in the same boat – I wish you the best of luck!