I am not a numbers person. But interestingly, with infertility, it’s all about numbers. How many days in a cycle? How many days past ovulation? How many days in a luteal phase? How many days in the follicular phase? How many hours after the LH surge does the egg release? How many days can sperm live inside the woman’s body?
I have had to track these types of numbers for just over a year. It has been frustrating and excruciating to wait and wonder. It is all I think about when I wake up. I drive my husband crazy. I commiserate with friends going through the same thing. And while I’m so happy for friends who announce their pregnancy, a little piece of me wilts knowing that I am just within reach of their reality.
I sound horribly pessimistic. I know!
But what to do about it? How do I stop thinking about something that I want so badly? The only scenario I could come up with that would give an inkling of what this feels like, is a child who is given a beautifully wrapped birthday present and then told, day after day, that they can’t open the box. It sits in plain view yet the child cannot touch it, cannot enjoy the contents.
It is frustrating because it is beyond my control. I have always held the belief that if I just try hard enough, believe in myself enough, that I could do anything I put my mind to. Except this.
But I will not give up. Those of us in this battle have to keep going. One day our time will come!